Are You There God? It's Me Jessica

I love books. When I was a kid, I carried 16 books of The Baby-sitter Club everywhere.
Lately, I find it's quite hard for me to finish my books. I keep buying new books, get some distraction in the middle and move on to the new book.

There are around 7 titles of unfinished books I currently have.
One more new book is on its way (thanks to my super H!).

I'm currently reading Damned by Chuck Palahniuk. Few weeks ago I got so motivated because I just joined goodreads.com and read Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger. Nonetheless, distraction came and I've moved on to Damned.

I've been wanting to read Damned since it was first published last year. Damned is the hell version of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret by Judy Blume. I just finished few chapters of Damned, it's cynically hilarious, as expected. I shall continue reading Damned (I can't wait to finish it!).

Anyway, during my adolescence Are You There God? It's Me Margaret had given a lot of influences in my way of thinking. I was facing the same problems like Margaret had, not only about the menstruation, popular kids at school, but about religion.

When I was a kid, my parents raised me as a Buddhist. I was raised to believe that reincarnation does exist, karma and pray to the universe. My parents raised me according to Nichiren Buddhism.

I went to Christian school, back then I was learned about Christianity, Jesus, heaven and hell. I celebrated Christmas. I even received Christmas presents from my parents.

Then I started to think about religion. I was confused. I started asking question. In Indonesia, you cant be an atheist. You have to choose one of the five religions; Islam, Christian, Catholic, Buddhist or Hindu. I was discussing it with my Singaporean friend, for him it's funny that you don't have the freedom to be atheist. I was thinking the same way during my adolescence, nonetheless, I started to understand why we have to choose one of the religions.

In the middle of my confusion, I followed Margaret, I prayed to God, without specifically mentioned one name. I did not believe in Jesus Christ, I did not want to follow the Nichiren Buddhism, I hated Christian because of their shallowness. At the same time, I followed my sister and aunties to church.

The series of events during my adolescence brought me here.

1. I believe in God, Jesus Christ, The God Almighty. I've chosen catholic as my religion the reasons are;
 - Catholic started to grow. Catholic has learned from past mistakes. Quoting from the article I read in Tempo years back "It's not a new religion that can get angry easily like a bull (I can't really remember the exact words).

2. I swear to God that I will never be involved in the specific religious group. I swear to God, I will try to go to church every weekends (although, I've failed most of the time).

3. The religion is fine, but I do hate the people. I find the people in church, temples or whatever tend to be artificially good. Living in denial. They will think that themselves are superior compare with other religions. They are special. Quoting from Nick Hornby - How To Be Good "God wants to see the real you, not the artificially good" (I cant remember the exact words as well, trying to paraphrase,wtf).

4. I accept different religion. I would never ask anyone to convert in order to marry me, vice versa.

Religion you've chosen will define your way of living. I don't want to be those people who blindly follow the religion without trying to understand. Trying to dress like a specific culture won't make you religious ( Zan Azlee, my former lecturer).

Are you there God? It's me Jessica. I'm 26 now. I have finally can specifically address You to one name.
God, I hardly pray and worship you. But as you know, you will always be in my heart. God, I just want to be a better person, no matter how many lesson you're going to give me, I want to learn as much as I can. I wanna pray for my parents, my siblings, and everyone who means a lot to me. I hope you will take care of them.God, thank you for everything. Amen.